The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday, 8 October 2012

Clegg Too Stupid For His Shirt.

Nick Clegg, the most outwitted bungler in British politics and too dumb too walk and chew gum at the same time, has agreed to a £10 billion cut in welfare in return for a "promise" that the rich will be targetted next. Sniggering behind their hands now that Cameron has ruled out any means by which the rich can be taxed more, the Tories have greeted this enthusiastically and are already rehearsing their excuses for betraying Clegg at the first opportunity. Meanwhile Ian Duncan Smith has given his gracious permission to persecute the disabled and unemployed even more after Cameron gave the go ahead for his universal benefit hobby horse which will be stupendously expensive and unlikely to work. So, once again, the poor will pay up today while the rich will pay up sometime never. The CBI, rubbing their hands together in glee, have taken this opportunity to outline their plans to steal yet more publicly-owned assets by privatising the roads and making us all pay twice for using them. "We can't believe our luck," a CBI spokesman told our reporter. "Not only have we managed to get a Tory government in power through the back door but the recession that they've manufactured gives us the perfect excuse for a crime spree carried out in broad daylight. And no taxes! Oooh, its a dream come true!"

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