The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

British Newspaper Declared Legally Insane.

The Daily Express has long been known as a right-wing Tory rag, but the fact that it is run by the certifiably insane has been a closely guarded secret - until now that is. Overcome by the miracle of positive economic news under Cameron's incompetent and unintelligent government, the newspaper has today gone collectively nuts. According to Martyn Brown the figures not only represent "the country’s best performance for five years" they also prove that Britain had "the strongest major economy on the planet between July and September." Now at last, Brown announces, Britain can "go it alone" and "unshackle itself from the EU’s economic corpse." "Latest forecasts from the Inter­national Monetary Fund," he breathlessly informs us, "suggest Britain will be the strongest economy in Europe next year." So, after 70 years of steady economic decline, three months in 2012 under the genius of David Cameron and George Osborne have proven to be a miraculous turning point in Britain's history. Now we can re-establish the British Empire, once again "rule the waves" and give Johnnie Foreigner a jolly good thrashing. It's almost too good to be true. Of course the fact that the IMF has actually been warning Britain that too much austerity will damage our long-term economic interests and would laugh itself silly at the idea that Britain will be "the strongest economy in Europe next year" is neither here nor there. The most important thing is that Germany, the United States, China, Brazil and Japan are shaking in their economic boots at a resurgent Britain set to re-conquer the world. "Rule Britania, Britania rules the waves.........."

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