The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday, 29 October 2012

Tories Invent New Branch Of Mathematics.

The Housing Minister Mark Prisk, the one in the picture with a hard hat labelled MP for Moronic Prick, has been credited today with a new branch of Tory mathematics. According to Mr.Prisk; "The most recent official statistics published by the Valuation Office Agency in August 2012 show that median private sector rents across England rose by 0.9% in the year to June 2012, compared to a rise in RPI inflation of 2.8% over the same period. Rents have thus fallen in real terms." In other words the cost of an item or service falls in real terms if compared to the inflation rate instead of earnings. So, if your rent goes up because some greedy landlord wants to stuff his pockets with more of your cash while your wages remain the same you will be better off because other prices have risen at an even faster rate. We asked a leading Tory mathematcian from Oxford University to explain; "We believe that Mr. Prisk has made a major contribution to the unification of Voodoo Economics and Tory Quantum Economics. This theory has now conclusively proven that poor people become ever more financially better off the more money that is taken from them, while wealthy people become financially worse off the more money they get. This explains the spooky phenomenum of higher taxes on rich people returning less money, while tax cuts for them costs nothing. It also goes a long way in explaining why rich people have to be rewarded to make them work harder while poor people have to be punished. To finally prove the veracity of Mr.Prisk's outstanding contribution we plan to collide two poor people at CERN at the speed of light to see if we can see the Osborne Boson and prove the existence of the Osborne Field. This, we believe, is what gives bankers and politicians the illusion of having integrity while robbing the rest of the population."

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