The Repackaging Of David Cameron.

David Cameron decided to trot out the central tennent of Toryism today - "Trust me I'm lying to you." His chosen metaphor was "ladders" - the sort that would exist in a just society so that the brightest and best can reach the top. Unfortunately these have been in short supply in Britain now for some time - about 1,000 years to be precise. People like Cameron and George Osborne, by way of contrast, are born with the necessary ladders where the rest of us have backbones in order to carry their bags and shoulder the burdens of things such as taxation. The Tories, he claims, are not about creating more privilege but "spreading it". So far, however, he's only managed to spread it to his rich mates in the finance industry. He says the Tories are all about aspiration and giving everyone a helping hand, but has presided over a government that makes having a decent job and a decent place to live a hopeless aspiration while their idea of a helping hand is actually a kick in the teeth. "Give people the tools," he told his less than adoring fellow Tories, "and they will finish the job" in yet another attempt to usurp the image of Winston Churchill. "Let the word go forth from this hall and this party," he said, plagarising John F.Kennedy's innaugral speech. It has and the word is "rubbish." The bald truth is that no government has forced so many into poverty, none has ever persecuted the vulnerable with such relish and none has ever borrowed so much money in order to do so little. "Fine words butter no parsnips" the old saying goes, but Tory flannel, by way of contrast, seems to knows no bounds. Winston Churchill once told the British people "I have nothing to offer but blood sweat and tears." Cameron should have said "I have nothing to offer but empty words, empty promises and empty bellies - and empty heads, we have plenty of those in the Tory party."

Cameron Puts His Fingers In His Ears And Shouts La, La, La.

David Cameron has girded his loins at the Tory Conference today and done what Tories always do when things are going badly - closed his eyes, put his fingers in his ears and shouted "La, la, la" as loudly as possible to drown out the truth. The country is going through a "slow and difficult healing process" he assured us all today in all seriousness, as the Tories valiantly "rebalance the economy." There are, he claimed, "positive signs" that the economy is reviving and that his government is "on the right track." Unfortunately as he stood before his fellow morons in the Tory party and prayed that spin could drown out the truth, others were pointing out that his claims were complete garbage. The world outlook, the IMF admitted today, is dire as governments across the world embrace "austerity" and wontonly destroy their own economies. And none are more wonton than the Tories, it would appear, as the IMF slashed its predictions for the British economy from slight growth next year of 0.2% to a contraction of 0.4%. Cameron also claimed, during his speech, that Britain's deficit had been "the biggest anywhere in the developed world" - an ouright lie, as even a cursory look at the figures will show. Still, that aside, Cameron went on to claim that the Tories had succeeded in slashing the deficit despite the fact that it actually continues to baloon at an unprecedented pace, while industrial output is the only thing the Tories have managed to reduce. Britain is not "on the right track", the country is not "healing" and there are no "positive signs" while the disconnection between the truth and Tory claims demonstrate the extent of their delusional state. The Tories have always been somewhat unhinged, but they are now criminally insane. Perhaps its time to lock them up.

Clegg Too Stupid For His Shirt.

Nick Clegg, the most outwitted bungler in British politics and too dumb too walk and chew gum at the same time, has agreed to a £10 billion cut in welfare in return for a "promise" that the rich will be targetted next. Sniggering behind their hands now that Cameron has ruled out any means by which the rich can be taxed more, the Tories have greeted this enthusiastically and are already rehearsing their excuses for betraying Clegg at the first opportunity. Meanwhile Ian Duncan Smith has given his gracious permission to persecute the disabled and unemployed even more after Cameron gave the go ahead for his universal benefit hobby horse which will be stupendously expensive and unlikely to work. So, once again, the poor will pay up today while the rich will pay up sometime never. The CBI, rubbing their hands together in glee, have taken this opportunity to outline their plans to steal yet more publicly-owned assets by privatising the roads and making us all pay twice for using them. "We can't believe our luck," a CBI spokesman told our reporter. "Not only have we managed to get a Tory government in power through the back door but the recession that they've manufactured gives us the perfect excuse for a crime spree carried out in broad daylight. And no taxes! Oooh, its a dream come true!"