The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Bank Of England To Choose Between Equally Useless Measures.

The Bank of England is contemplating which utterly useless thing it will do next. The choice lies between pumping more money into the banks as "qunatative easing" where it will never see the light day again in the wider economy, or punishing savers by reducing the base rate from 0.5% to some equally irrelevant level. We asked a Bank spokesperson for a comment; "You are quite wrong in claiming that we only have a choice between two things - we also have the alternative of doing absolutely nothing at all. The fact that all three choices amount to the same thing is neither here nor there. Since we haven't got a clue what we're doing anyway we are seriously thinking about choosing by chanting "eeny, meeny, miney, mo" or, more excitingly, by playing a knockout game of "paper, scissors, rock." We are confident that, whatever choice we make or don't make, we will retain our jobs which is the main thing. In the meantime austerity remains the only viable alternative and our future projections suggest that we will have saved the British economy when we're reduced the entire population to bartering for basic foodstuffs." Our reporter next turned to George Osbourne for his view; "Personally I think they should stick to the tried and tested method of putting all three alternatives in a bag and then choosing one at random. That's what I did when I wrote the budget. Except for tax cuts for the rich, that was my idea. In fact it was and remains my only idea."

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