Economy Sinks Into A Coma.

The economy has fared worse than feared it was revealed today as the Tories scratch their heads and wonder why their ideological dogma seems to have let them down. "I just don't bloody understand it," George Osborne told us. "I've thrown millions out of work, cut hundreds of thousands off from benefits and raised taxes to unheard of levels and still the economy stubbornly refuses to respond. Yet, when I check my copy of "Thatcher's Guide To Economic Miracles," it clearly says that we should be the richest nation on earth by now." We asked a leading economists what was going wrong. "Well, imagine the economy as a family car. George has effectively dismantled the engine, took all the wheels off and emptied the petrol tank before attempting to take his family on a touring holiday of Cornwall. It's true he'll save the money he would have spent on petrol, but he's lost the money he's already spent booking the holiday and now he'll have to spend more to get someone to put the car back together again. Meanwhile the wife and kids are threatening to lynch him. That about sums it up."