David Cameron, the world's first part time Prime Minister, has announced a new policy initiative aimed at making sure that "crime doesn't pay." "Benefits to criminals should be cut in order to send the right message," he told our reporter. We asked an unnamed Tory party insider for his reaction; "All very well but how am I and my fellow MP's supposed to get by on less money? Most of us only came into politics because it was money for old rope. Now we have to explain every penny we spend on expenses and sometimes its difficult to account for things. Is it reasonable to expect me to get a receipt for everything I expect taxpayers to pay for? Now I have to bring in my bills from Fortnum & Mason's, my utility bills, fuel bills and even the bill for cleaning the duckhouse in my moat. Its so bad that sometimes I'm forced to pay for things myself. As for the banks, we don't dare cut their bonuses in case they turn really nasty and refuse to offer us jobs when we're eventually thrown out of Parliament." We pointed out that David Cameron was not talking about the criminal class at Westminster or working for banks, but ordinary thieves, burglars and the like. "Oh, those criminals," the Tory insider replied. "Floggin' is too good for them. They should be sentenced to transportation to that place Dave's visiting at the moment - Australia. If prison isn't working they should be given longer sentences until they're too old and infirm to commit any further crimes. As for money, they shouldn't get any - that will cure the current crime wave."
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