Tories Tear Open Their Own Bandages.

In an astonishing display of outright stupidity the Tories have decided to put the interests of the nation on the backburner again to indulge in yet more navel gazing over Europe. "This is our opportunity," a swivel-eyed Lord Tebbit told strangers he had grabbed on the street. "Our European partners are on the backfoot so now's the time to put the knife in. Once were free of those dreadful European Johnnie Foreigner's we can get back to trading with our American cousins and the Empire. I've written a letter to Queen Victoria outlining my plans for a revitalised Britain based on the expansion of steam power and a new round of canal building." David Cameron has been reported as being beside himself with rage; "I'm beside myself with rage," he commented. "How dare old fossils like Lord Tebbit comment on this matter. That's up to our new generation of old fossils. I told the party not to do this, but did they listen? If they could just leave Europe alone to sort itself out and prevent a world economic meltdown, then we can get back to our trade links with the Empire and putting Victoria back on the throne where she belongs."