Unemployment Figures Hit 17-Year High As Tories Celebrate.

As the unemployment figures reached two and half million this week the Tories have been celebrating the return to normality. "Coming on top of the report into poverty," David Cameron told our reporter, "the party can feel a deep sense of satisfaction. It looks like we're going to get away with it, especially as our poodles in the Lords have agreed that we can now plunder the NHS. There's more good news as far as Liam Fox is concerned since it looks like his little earner on the side won't cause us much of a problem. I can't wait to get my hands on all that lovely money I'm going to reward myself with and then shove it offshore as quickly as possible. George is ecstatic and our mates the bankers are delighted. Andrew Lansley's ordered a ton of coke for the party tonight and the champagne will certainly be flowing at No.10 tonight I can tell you!"