Economy Sinks Into A Coma.

The economy has fared worse than feared it was revealed today as the Tories scratch their heads and wonder why their ideological dogma seems to have let them down. "I just don't bloody understand it," George Osborne told us. "I've thrown millions out of work, cut hundreds of thousands off from benefits and raised taxes to unheard of levels and still the economy stubbornly refuses to respond. Yet, when I check my copy of "Thatcher's Guide To Economic Miracles," it clearly says that we should be the richest nation on earth by now." We asked a leading economists what was going wrong. "Well, imagine the economy as a family car. George has effectively dismantled the engine, took all the wheels off and emptied the petrol tank before attempting to take his family on a touring holiday of Cornwall. It's true he'll save the money he would have spent on petrol, but he's lost the money he's already spent booking the holiday and now he'll have to spend more to get someone to put the car back together again. Meanwhile the wife and kids are threatening to lynch him. That about sums it up."

Osbourne Continues to Use a Steak Tenderiser on the Economy.

Figures released today show that the British economy has continued to slow with a 15% slump in domestic demand. Asked for his view George Osborne, rumoured to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, told our reporter; "This is marvelous news and proves, once and for all, that I'm right and everyone else is wrong. As Britain's economy continues to shrink we become ever more competative. I am confident that, if we can get employment down to zero, we'll be the richest nation on earth. By the way did I tell you that Christmas has been cancelled?" A spokesman for the European Bank told us; "If only Greece was so easy to handle but they just don't see the advantages of having both a fully privatised economy and total unemployment. The fools, the poor fools." Meanwhile Ed Milliband, finally waking up from the Thatcherite hypnotic trance that Labour has been in since 1992, said during the Labour conference; "Er, hang on a minute - how does bankrupting the entire nation help exactly? I might be wrong, and if I am then please feel free to tell me, but doesn't high unemployment, falling output, disastrous export figures and raging inflation point towards a failing economic policy rather than a successful one?" A spokesperson from the right wing think tank, "Thatcher Is A God," told us; "The trouble with Ed Milliband is that he's so unsophisticated. Everyone knows that socialist ideas simply don't work. If we hadn't followed Margaret Thatcher, peace be upon her, we would now have full employment, a thriving manufacturing industry and the unspeakable horror of greater equality here in Britain. Where are the good old-fashioned Victorian values in that?"