The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 8 August 2013

Toryism Jumps The Species Barrier.

In response to the statement made in "The News in Shorts" yesterday by Professor Loon, the Liverpool Centre for Disease Control has issued a stark warning; "Professor Loon was far too optimistic in his statement about the recent spread of the new and more virulent form of the Tory pathogen. This disease had its origins in the United States before crossing the Atlantic during the mid-1970's when Ronald Reagan visited Britain. The British people at that time, having been exposed to similar pathogens over the last 1,000 years, were largely immune. However, Margaret Thatcher, the "Typhoid Mary" of British politics, caught the disease and infected the entire Tory party quite quickly. By the end of the 1990's the Labour party had also caught the disease and it seemed that only the Lib Dems remained completely immune. In 2008, however, it became apparent that the Lib Dems had also succumbed and had simply been hiding their symptoms from the electorate. While in the United States the disease displayed such symptoms as hallucinating that Communists or "Reds" were lurking under every bed and that owning a gun made people safer, in Britain a more alarming effect was an entire generation of politicians being born with their heads up their arses. This proved quite conclusively that the latest bout of Toryism is the most virulent form of the disease seen so far and there is growing evidence that it has now crossed the species barrier and is infecting real human beings. This was made possible by a new mechanism never before seen in the spread of infectious diseases - finger pointing. So far the multi-national drug companies have failed to find an effective vaccine to combat the disease, mainly because there's no money in it for them, and there is a real danger that the entire country might be infected while the whole of British society could soon perish en masse."

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