The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 10 August 2013

Tories Solve The Problem Of The Soaring Death Rate.

The Tory party, shocked that their policies of pauperising the entire country, throwing poor families onto the streets, abandoning the disabled and privatising the NHS have increased the death rate by 23,000 in three years, have changed their priorities. Instead of providing ammunition for the opposition to their vile regime they have decided to stop counting how many people die every year. "No one likes bad news," a Tory spokesman told our reporter. "Especially the Tory party and, because of that, we've decided to sweep the facts under the carpet. As Iain Duncan Smith informed the country only a few weeks ago, our beliefs are far more important than inconsequential and inconvenient truths. Poor people dying is nothing new and our murderous policies are merely accelerating a desired trend. Britain cannot afford poor people and they have to die for the good of the country - especially for those parts of the country that vote Tory. The good news is that we no longer have to pay the pensions for these 23,000 useless people and my tax bill has been reduced quite nicely thank you. It is important that the electorate recognise that these deaths are fair since very few of the people dying before their time are actually rich. If they were rich people that would be unfair and we'd have to do something about it. We are now working on the solidly Tory view that what the people don't know won't worry them. This might well kill them but at least they'll die completely uninformed as all poor, ill-educated and Labour-voting scum should."

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