Theresa May Accuses Cat Of Harbouring Illegal Immigrant.

Theresa May, in a speech carefully checked by her staff, has accused an innocent cat of harbouring an illegal immigrant. "We stand by our story," a Tory spokesperson told us. "Its well known that pets of all sorts up and down the country are harbouring illegal immigrants and it has to stop. Only last week a judge decided that an illegal immigrant could stay in the country when it became clear that his departure would upset his cat." We asked the judge involved for his comments; "What the hell are these people talking about? I didn't even know he owned a bloody cat. We had to let him stay because the Home Office forgot to apply its own bloody rules for Christ's sake." We asked Theresa May for her explaination, but she was unavailable for comment so we had to make do with her cat. "She's a bloody awful pet owner," the cat told us. "Leaves me alone all day while she swans about trying to look important. And if I jump in one of her precious red boxes - well, just don't got there. I don't know about harbouring illegal immigrants, but if I had my way I'd have her bloody deported."