Boris Appeals To The Villager In Us All.

Firmly demonstrating his grasp of history, Boris Johnson has told the Tory conference that the party needs to appeal to the "villager in us all." "There was a time when we all lived in cottages in villages, but we've now been expelled from that Eden. What the Tory party needs to do is encourage more cottaging." We asked an unnamed Tory MP for his views; "Isn't cottaging ...never mind. I think that what Boris is trying to say, in his usual bumbling incoherent manner, is that we all need to adopt a more "village" mentality. This has the advantage of narrowing the perception of what is actually going on so I suppose he's got a point. Of course that raises the problem of who gets elected to the position of village idiot...." We asked David Cameron, struggling to find an explaination for the continuation of Toryism in the country, for his views; "A village mentality, hmmm. Happy peasants working the land fron dawn till dusk, drinking warm beer and playing cricket on a Sunday, where have I heard that before? I suppose though, in this modern world, it will probably be better if it was more like the "Matrix." Then we could hook up the happy peasants directly to the banks and suck their pockets dry before they even realise they actually have pockets. I like it." We asked George Osborne for his reaction; "I warned Boris not to snort that dodgy coke I flogged him last week - he's beginning to sound like that fuckwit David Starkey."