The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

It's Official, Cameron Is A Moron.

The "Telegraph" has finally admited today what the rest of us have known for some time - Cameron really is as stupid as he looks. The first clue came when he appointed his cabinet - made up entirely of people so stupid he thought they might make him look clever. The problems began early when it emerged that George Osborne can't count, Theresa May thinks the police are no longer needed and Michael Gove believes that all school lessons should be in Latin. Andrew Lansley was a bit of a gamble since his lack of brain power was augmented by his sheer sliminess, but he quickly imploded. IDS too was so evil his essential idiocy was masked for a while, but his habit of assaulting people in wheel chairs soon exposed his basic lack of brain cells. As for Cameron himself, his latest attack on his own party has left many homophobic Tory backbenchers spinning in their early graves. Promoting gay marriage, of no interest to 97.5% of the population, has led to great muttering amongst the proudly bigoted in the party and a mass exodus to UKIP amongst the "huntin, shootin and fishin blue-rinse set." So bad is the leaking of blue blood some have doubted that the Tory party can survive even as the undead, though their habit of sucking the life-blood out of the country is set to increase rather than diminish. Nigel Farage in the meantime has welcomed his defacto leadership of the Tory party with his usual modesty and has blamed Johnnie Foreigner for undermining the British penchant for living in the 19th century.

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