The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 22 February 2013

Has Iain Duncan Smith Blinked?

Iain Duncan Smith has ordered an investigation into how benefit changes are impacting the disabled. Has the most evil man in British politics seen the light? We asked him for a statement; "There's a rumour going around that my benefit reforms might be unpopular amongst real human beings and I am determined to mount an investigation so the whole question can be kicked into the long grass. My own personal opinion is that the impact on the useless cripples in this country isn't severe enough. All right-thinking Christians like me know that physical deformity and accidental disablement are punishments from God and it is our duty to drive such people into destitution to show them up for the sinners they are. God has told me that I shouldn't be paying tax just to help support useless people in our society because, as everyone knows, God is a Tory. But I haven't just taken His word for and have taken advice from a wide-ranging and diverse number of Tories. They all agree with me, which can't be a coincidence. Some people have doubted my sanity but I've received reassurance from good friend Napoleon who I talk to almost as much as I talk to God. All-in-all I think I'm absolutely right about everything and, with all humility, can claim to be the natural succesor the Jesus Christ. How else can you explain the huge number of people who mutter "Jesus Christ" whenever I speak?"

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