How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.
Saturday, 19 January 2013
Tories Talk Only To Millionaires.
To any reasonable person it is evident that multi-national companies simply don't have enough influence over the government. At least that is the conclusion that the Tories have come to and, to redress this shortcoming, they have decided to set up a "buddy" system between key ministers and big business. "Multi-nationals have long given us a great deal of money for no apparent reason and we have set up the "buddy" system to get to the bottom of this mystery," a Tory spokesman told our reporter. "At the same time we can listen to their opinions about policy since we have absolutely no idea what they think. Of course many ministers and the heads of multi-nationals are already close friends but, strangely enough, there has never been a recorded instance of company executives ever saying anything about policy to a minister. Apparently they spend most of their time talking about things such as the meaning of existence and other deep philosophical mysteries. We have, as you know, listened to the opinions of ordinary people - the NHS is a case in point - but we've found the dialogue rather unsatisfactory since most people completely disagree with us and we don't get the answers we want. We now believe that the best way forwards is to talk only to millionaires who, for no accountable reson, do agree with us and tend to come up with the same ideas as ourselves. That provides proof positive that only rich people know anything worth knowing or have opinions that are worth considering."