The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 12 January 2013

George Osborne Hails Triple-Dip Recession.

George Osborne has been nominated for the Nobel Economics Prize in the category "Economic Ignoramus of the Year" it was announced today. We asked George for a comment; "This is a great honour and one which I am proud to accept. Steering Britain from slight recovery to a third recession in the space of two-and-a-half years has not been easy and I would like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have made it possible. First my parents, without whose support and lack of contraception at the crucial moment none of this would have been possible. Next my best mate David Cameron, almost as economically illiterate as myself. But my greatest appreciation is reserved for those morons who voted Tory at the last election. The idiotic are always with us but I must commend their efforts in turning out in sufficient numbers to get us into No.10 by the backdoor. I would also like to reluctantly thank the LibDems, whose lack of political common sense, backbone and any discernable principals has helped to keep me in the position where I can do the maximum amout of damage to the British economy. We must all take solace that, as long as I'm Chancellor, there is no alternative to the present economic insanity and that we're all in this together - me continuing to be a millionaire no matter what happens and you lot as the poverty-stricken peasants you deserve to be." We asked a Tory spokesman for the party view; "We won't stop until we see all the hated British scum who refuse to vote for us ground into the dirt. It's our patriotic duty."

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