The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 4 January 2013

Tories Declare Their Hatred For Fat People.

Picture the scene. Tory cabinet ministers meet together at 10 Downing Street to discuss what part of society they can next vilify and punish for having the cheek to exist. They've already attacked the unemployed, the disabled, the sick, doctors and nurses, the police and working people. Who is left? They deliberate, they shake their jowls in indignation at one another and then Eric Pickles has a brainwave. "Let us attack fat people!" he declares. "What, all fat people?" David Cameron replies, unable to keep the excitement out of his voice. "No, no," Eric Pickles shoots back. "Only poor fat people. You know, the benefit scroungers who maintain a filmstar lifestyle on £60 per week. The scoungers who gorge themselves on free food from the foodbanks in between swilling their cans of lager and smoking fags three at a time. Those people." "Ah, yes," Ian Duncan Smith muses with relish. "I know all about those sort of people. I've seen millions of them in my imagination. We'll stop their benefits if they don't lose weight, join an expensive gym and fail to win a gold medal at the next Olympics." "Ooooh, the Olympics," the entire Tory cabinet sighs. "Is there any truth in this story that your ministry spends £10,000 a year on biscuits?" David Cameron asks, suspecting a banana skin. "Absolutely not," Pickles assures him. "It was only £9,999 and, anyway, we didn't spend anything really because the taxpayer paid for them." "That's all right then," Cameron replies with a sigh of relief. "I thought we might be about to do something really stupid and uncalled for. Fortnum and Mason's biscuit anyone?"

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