The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Baroness Warsi In State Of Panic.

Baroness Warsi, the soon to be ex-CoChairman of the Tory party, had an attack of the vapours today. This was prompted by Ed Milliband's decision to appoint the free thinking Jon Crudas as his policy chief. "Labour has lurched to the left," she commented, as if this was enough to damn the Labour party out of hand. Curious, we asked the mentally challenged Tory peer to expand on her outburst; "When the Labour party starts to think in radical terms in order to tackle what is merely an economic disaster of unrivaled proportions it simply goes to show that they think too much about these things. We in the Tory party try not to think too much because it confuses us and we prefer knee-jerk reaction based on ideology. Its a well-known fact that talking to anyone who is not a banker makes you a Communist. Voters have to realise that our fiendishly clever plan to destroy the country's economy, flog off the NHS to our corporate mates, throw all disabled and useless people onto the street and reward the rich with even more privileges is the only way forward. At a time of mass starvation it is vitally important to serve the rich with ever larger meals - that's only common sense. Ed Milliband has abandoned the centre ground making it absolutely certain that we'll win the next election and, as CoChairman and chief ethnic token woman in the Tory party, that frighten's me to death. I mean, what are we supposed to do in a second term? It's not as if we'll have another economy to destroy or another population to bring to the edge of despair is it?"

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