Friday, 28 February 2014
Tories Fail In Bid To Kill Badgers .
The Tories are experiencing one of their regular bad weeks at the moment. A new report into the badger cull has revealed that they managed to miss 50% of them despite the badgers spectacularly bad camouflage and the fact that the Tory hit squads were shooting at them from point blank range. Meanwhile Iain Duncan Smith has failed to explain how the bedroom tax is actually helping to end child poverty even as our part-time Prime Minister was being given the brush off by the German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Nigel Farage has spent the week pulling faces at the Tories when it was revealed that, despite Cameron's promise to reduce immigration, it has actually on the increase. Worse yet Mike Penning, the minister for disabled people, has been forced to apologise for his department demanding that a woman in a coma find work. Still, it wasn't all bad news. The Tories can at least celebrate the death of Mark Wood from malnutrition in Oxfordshire last August after his housing benefits and employment support allowance were stopped by the DWP. "This is a great success," Iain Duncan Smith told our reporter. "Once again I have single-handidly saved a poor and vulnerable man from the sin of scrounging off the state. His doctor is claiming that he suffered from various mental problems but we didn't feel it necessary to consult such an obviously biased healthcare professional. If he did have all these things wrong with him then I'm only thankful that God placed me in a position to end his useless life. Some people have suggested that I am hard and uncaring but this is completely untrue. I believe that I am right and, if you ask him, I'm sure that God will agree with me. Scrounging is a terrible crime, unless you happen to be rich like me in which case its completely all right. This man is responsible for his own death since he neglected to become the right kind of scrounger - an MP, a buy-to-let landlord or a banking executive."