The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday, 24 February 2014

Cameron Undecided As To How Rich Britain Actually Is.

David Cameron donned a plastic yellow hat and a high visibility jacket today so he could threaten Scotland from a North Sea oil rig 60 miles offshore and still be seen. His message was loud and clear - revenue from the North Sea would be in danger without "the broad shoulders of the world's tenth largest economy" to support it. For those of you who don't work in London's financial centre, he was describing Great Britain. Why "the broad shoulders of the world's tenth largest economy" can't support its own children and give them enough to eat, prevent its pensioners from freezing to death each winter or pay a living wage to large swathes of the population remains a mystery - and will continue to do so as long as Cameron is warming his backside in No.10. George Osborne, meanwhile, was grinning like an idiot as he told reporters that Britain had "an open chequebook" as far as supporting the new Ukrainian government was concerned. Not that they were asking you understand, but George never passes up an opportunity to boast about his "miracle economic recovery" and how rich we are - unless you happen to be unfortunate enough to be British that is. Worried that their conflicting message might be confusing voters Iain Martin writing in the "Telegraph" told the Tory party today that Cameron needs Michael Gove to be unleashed against Ed Milliband. So far advice for saving the Tories from electoral disaster has swung between Nigel Farage as a replacement for Nick Clegg, Iain Duncan Smith being canonised for his services to the poor and Norman Tebbit being disinturned and shocked back into life. But Ed Milliband being savaged by an intellectually challenged Pob lookalike? Surely they can't be serious?

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