The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Will The Tories Bring In A Floodplain Tax?

Tory voters in Somerset and along the Thames Valley are holding their breath today and not just because they're under water. There is a growing suspicion that David Cameron's pledge that "We're all in this together" might apply to them as well. Unnamed Tory ministers are reported to be muttering about a floodplain tax, pointing out that flood defences are no longer affordable during a time of austerity and will be even less so as global warming takes hold. "We think it only fair that if those on benefits with too many bedrooms can be forced to downsize then, perhaps, those who have chosen to live on floodplains should be forced to move uphill," one Tory MP told our reporter. "As more and more becomes unaffordable - the welfare state, the NHS and pensions - it seems only fair that those scrounging money for flood defences from the state should share the burden. Don't forget the Tory party are very big on fairness." Meanwhile the idea of privatising flood defences has also been suggested. "We believe that privatising flood defences would bring much needed efficiencies and we are already in talks with G4S," the Tory MP continued. "After their triumph at the Olympics and their outstanding success running prisons, we believe that they are just the right kind of bloodsucking corporate crooks that Britain needs at the moment. The public shouldn't worry about regulation. We have already approached a Tory party donor with a view to making him the head of a new regulatory body, Offlood, with a starting salary of £450,000 per year plus bonuses and a two-day working week. We believe that a new tax and privatisation will cure the flooding problem in the foreseeable future - at least until after the general election in 2015."

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