The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Tories Fail To Agree On New Criteria For Child Poverty.

Tory plans to redefine poor children as fabulously wealthy have been put on hold as Iain Duncan Smith and the Treasury have failed to agree on how nasty and evil they can afford to be. Essentially the new measures are to be based on the nasty little prejudices of the Tory party with child poverty being judged on how many of the parents work, whether the parents "do" drugs and something the Tories call "wordlessness", while income will become merely an incidental consideration. Since the number of children who live is households where no one works, have drug addicts for parents and suffer from "wordlessness" is vanishingly small we can all look forward to child poverty vanishing virtually overnight. Children who live on the breadline, along with their poverty-stricken parents, will be reclassified as comfortably well-off and child tax credits, as sure as day follows night, will be reduced. The argument between the DWP and the Treasury seems to be centred on the vexed question of how much child tax credits can be reduced to provide the Tories and their rich pals with yet another tax cut. "We have to take a multidimensional approach to child poverty," a Tory spokesman told our reporter, "otherwise I won't be able to afford a new polo pony next year and my yacht will remain un-calked. On the other hand if we get too greedy then children might start keeling over in the streets and the United Nations may accuse us of uncivilised behaviour. It's a very difficult balancing act but we are confident that we'll be able to hammer out a deal that will transfer enough money from the poor to satisfy most Tory MP's."

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