The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Cameron Pledges "Unlimited Funds" To Save His Grubby Neck.

David Cameron has decided to ditch austerity for the moment in order to bail out, literally, the swathe of Tory voters who have suddenly fallen victim to his campaign of spending cuts. "We goofed," Cameron told our reporter as he pulled on his wellies for yet another photo opportunity. "The cuts were never supposed to affect Tory voters and I blame everyone else for this. It might well be that Britain can't afford welfare for the sick and disabled, the NHS or pensions for useless old people but we have billions when it comes to those who can't afford to protect their own homes against flooding and happen to vote Tory. People have to realise that the country is nearly bankrupt after Labour crashed the world banking system because of their mismanagement of the property market in the United States and we only have enough money to subsidise rich Tory voters. There is a world of difference between benefit scroungers and flood defence scroungers - at least in terms of how they vote. The most important thing, however, is that this money, which has appeared as if by magic, will save my political neck. Tory voters shouldn't worry because I promise that those responsible for this disaster - the unemployed, the sick and the disabled - will pay for it. Don't forget, Tory voters, we're all in this together - the rest of the country can and will go to hell."

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