The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Tories To Scrap Minimum Wage.

The Tory party has come up with yet another creative way to flatten the British economy even further. Their latest idiotic idea is freeze or even scrap the minimum wage so they can suck even more demand out of the economy. This ingenious method of kickstarting economic activity, unkown to anyone with even a GCSE in Economics or with a single working brain cell, has been suggested by the Department of Business. We asked a spokesman from the Department for an outline of their thinking; "Thinking? Oh, we didn't actually do any of that. We believe that thinking is an overrated method for decision-making. What we did was discuss what we would like the world to be like and pretend that if we do something really unexpected, not to mention stupid, then everything will miraculously improve. We believe that demand is on old-fashioned concept that should be replaced by wishful thinking. The basic idea is that if we can completely destroy the economy then there will be no need for wealthy people to pay any tax at all. The only problem we have is finding a way to stay wealthy as the economy collpases around our ears. We believe this can be achieved by flogging off the NHS and by investing the money in a new business concept called Soylant Green. We had the idea during the recent food scandal. If people don't even know when they are eating horsemeat, then how will they know they are eating their own poor relations and neighbours? Imagine a world in which the sick, instead of being parked in a hospital at taxpayers expense, are instead sent straight to a food processing plant where they can make a valuable contribution to society. This is just another example of the courageous Tory Party making much-needed tough decisions. Leading economists have recently warned that the capitalist economy is in danger of eating itself. Our solution is to eat the poor instead. I'm sure you'll agree that there's simply no alternative."

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