Osborne "Cautious Of Increase In Minimum Wage."

Having given millionaires a tax cut so they can take even more money out of circulation by stuffing it all into their offshore bank accounts, George Osborne has now expressed "caution" with regard to any increase in the minimum wage. "We have to be careful that extra money in ordinary people's pockets doesn't increase demand," he told our reporter. "That could cause a disaster of untrammelled proportion as the economy improves and makes austerity look increasingly stupid and self-defeating. Before we know where we are homelessness could decrease, ordinary people actually be able to heat their hovels and, heaven forbid, even afford enough food to keep themselves healthy. All of this would then mean that we would have no excuse to flog off public services to our rich mates at knock down prices as we did with Royal Mail. The NHS could still, even at this late date, slip through our fingers while all the healthcare companies who have been bribing us might then stop "donating" to the party. What people fail to understand is that the importance of the economy of Britain as a whole pales into insignificance when compared to the economy of the Tory party. Austerity equals an excuse to steal publicly-owned assets which can then be laundered through the private sector into party funds and then into my offshore bank account. Fortunately there are enough stupid people in the country who have swallowed the idea that wages represent a tax on employment and any increase in the minimum wage must inevitably lead to higher unemployment. Of course, by that logic, paying no wages at all would erase unemployment completely, but, thank God, the average Tory voter isn't bright enough to realise this."

Tories To Scrap Minimum Wage.

The Tory party has come up with yet another creative way to flatten the British economy even further. Their latest idiotic idea is freeze or even scrap the minimum wage so they can suck even more demand out of the economy. This ingenious method of kickstarting economic activity, unkown to anyone with even a GCSE in Economics or with a single working brain cell, has been suggested by the Department of Business. We asked a spokesman from the Department for an outline of their thinking; "Thinking? Oh, we didn't actually do any of that. We believe that thinking is an overrated method for decision-making. What we did was discuss what we would like the world to be like and pretend that if we do something really unexpected, not to mention stupid, then everything will miraculously improve. We believe that demand is on old-fashioned concept that should be replaced by wishful thinking. The basic idea is that if we can completely destroy the economy then there will be no need for wealthy people to pay any tax at all. The only problem we have is finding a way to stay wealthy as the economy collpases around our ears. We believe this can be achieved by flogging off the NHS and by investing the money in a new business concept called Soylant Green. We had the idea during the recent food scandal. If people don't even know when they are eating horsemeat, then how will they know they are eating their own poor relations and neighbours? Imagine a world in which the sick, instead of being parked in a hospital at taxpayers expense, are instead sent straight to a food processing plant where they can make a valuable contribution to society. This is just another example of the courageous Tory Party making much-needed tough decisions. Leading economists have recently warned that the capitalist economy is in danger of eating itself. Our solution is to eat the poor instead. I'm sure you'll agree that there's simply no alternative."

The Grin Of The Tory Cheshire Cat.

Yesterday the Cameron government was grinning like a collective Cheshire cat when the economic figures suggested that Britain was coming out of recession. However, like that ficticious feline, the grin is the only substantial part of this dire collection of spivs and conmen. The truth is that Britain's economic performance, when the shrinkage of the last two-and-a-half years is taken into account, is doing no better than flatlining. When it comes to pay, the Tories have also been falling over each other to explain why the minimum wage for teenagers is to be frozen yet again. As you might expect it is the usual one of the minimum wage "preventing" companies from employing young people despite the "fact" that business is picking up and, presumably, profits are increasing. Nor does this explain the claim by Cameron at the Tory conference that more than a million people have been recruited by a resurgent private sector. This figure is actually less impressive when the 158,000 who are on Government- sponsored training and employment schemes are taken into account, not to mention the 196,000 workers transferred wholesale from the public to the private sector in the higher education sector or the 300,000 jobs created while Labour was still in power. Cameron's impressive "one million" thus becomes a far less impressive and completely insignificant 346,000 while the loss of 628,000 jobs in the public sector puts it into perspective. "One swallow does not a summer make," the old saying goes any more than a collection of dubious statistics, empty promises and flimsy alibis make a recovery.