The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Bankers Rewarded For Criminal Activity.

The three criminals who ran HBOS but still like to pretend that they were real bankers have been rewarded today with a nice tax cut courtesy of the Tory party. Even though the Banking Standards Commission says regulators should consider barring Sir James Crosby, Andy Hornby and Lord Stevenson from future banking jobs, the men themselves are too busy counting their bonuses to give a damn. Responsible for losses amounting to more then £40 billion, the Tory party has decided that they need more money to make them feel better while poor people are facing cuts both to wages and benefits and are facing the prospect of soon being homeless. We asked George Osbore, mainly responsible for this shockingly unfair outcome, for a comment; "We feel sorry for people like Sir James Crosby, Andy Hornby and Lord Stevenson whose only crime was that they got caught. Up until 2008 they were able to disguise their criminal activities as normal banking and no one would have been any the wiser if it wasn't for a bit of bad luck. When you compare what they were doing to the crimes of the poor it is only fair that they should be rewarded. While they were merely stealing money - which is what they are trained to do - the poor are all just like Mick Philpott. They all have 17 children, have never worked a day in their lives and murder their children at the drop of a hat. That is why unfortunate millionaires have to be rewarded not matter how incompetent they are while the poor have to be beaten into submission. It's only fair, there's no alternative, we're all in this together etc etc." As a matter of interest we also asked the Chancellor why he parks in disabled spaces wherever he goes; "Because I can. My only regret is that there aren't any disabled people to actually park on. While they lie crushed and bleeding beneath my Landrover's tyres they could then polish my wheel trims. It's about time they did a day's work."

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