The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 17 April 2014

Coalition Wishes Everyone A Happy Deathday.

Steve Webb, the Lib Dem Minister for Pensions, has decided that it might be a smart political move to remind everyone that one day they're going to die. To prevent pensioners from spending their pension pots on wine, women, toy boys and song and then squandering the rest he wants to send each and everyone of us an estimate of our life expectancy. "People consistently underestimate how long they're going to live," he told our reporter, "and, under proposals to allow them access to their pension pots, they are in danger of spending their own money, ending up dependent on the state and threatening tax cuts for rich people like me. Of course if we and our Tory mates win another five years in power after May 2015 then this won't matter since most people won't live long enough to get their pension in the first place. The real danger is that Labour might win and completely derail Coalition plans to get rid of all the useless people in this country and prevent us from making it a land fit for the smug and self-satisfied to live in." Opposition to the idea has also come from the insurance industry whose spokesman told us; "These dick heads will ruin our best sales pitch if they tell people they're likely to live well into their 80's. How the hell will we be able to sell completely useless life insurance policies to young people if they know that the chances of dying before they reach 40 is practically nil? Profits will plummet and," he added darkly, "so will our donations to the Tories and Lib Dems if they carry this out."

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