The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Spineless Creature Attacked By Jellyfish.

A team of ATOS assessors were flying out to Tenerife today to see if David Cameron, on holiday yet again, is fit for work after being stung by a jellyfish or is simply swinging the lead. "We have to find out if Mr.Cameron can still inflict untold misery on poor people while sitting in a wheelchair with a bandaged foot. If not then we might have to advise Mr.Cameron to take up a new job without access to public funds." Meanwhile journalists have caused a major inflation crisis in the local boat hire industry as they desperately seek to interview the jellyfish accused of attacking the Prime Minister. Our reporter managed to catch up with Stingy at a secret location where he is now in hiding; "It was an accident," the jellyfish told our reporter. "I saw a pair of feet walking across the surface of the sea and thought to myself "Is that Jesus bloke back again?" You can imagine my surprise when I found out it was David Cameron practising his latest publicity stunt. I placed myself under his feet after wondering what it would feel like to be poor in Britain as a sort of experiment and realised that all the British people have to do is evolve a sting. If they did that then Tories would give them a wide berth and learn to leave them alone. I'm thinking of setting up a school for British tourists to teach them self-defence if they find themselves attacked by a Tory. I could make a killing after 2015 if the British electorate are stupid enough to give them a majority since none of them would be safe then."

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