The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday, 7 April 2014

Cameron Defends Maria Miller.

David Cameron waded into the Maria Miller scandal today, telling the BBC that she "did the right thing." We asked Britain's first part-time Prime Minister what he actually meant; "When I say she did the right thing I am, of course, speaking from a Tory point of view. Theft, when practised by the peasants, is wrong and should be punished without mercy using the full power of the law. However, it is not wrong for a Tory to steal because that's what we were born to do. Maria's only crime was to get caught and I don't feel that is a sacking offence. Of course she had to say "sorry" to placate the peasants and those stupid enough to vote for us but otherwise I am quite satisfied with her performance so far. She has exhibited just the right mix of arrogance, unconcern and sheer brass neck to mark her out as a truly great Tory in the making. Keith Joseph once told the children of peasants who had inadvertently been allowed to attend university that there wasn't enough inequality in Britain and the furore over Maria Miller's completely understandable little fiddle shows that he was right. We have managed to create enough inequality to make sure that Maria will never be prosecuted for theft but the argument over her actions demonstrates quite clearly that there's still a long way to go. When a Tory can steal what he or she likes without comment, then we will have created the right amount of inequality and the blessed Margaret's work will be done."

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