Coalition Wishes Everyone A Happy Deathday.

Steve Webb, the Lib Dem Minister for Pensions, has decided that it might be a smart political move to remind everyone that one day they're going to die. To prevent pensioners from spending their pension pots on wine, women, toy boys and song and then squandering the rest he wants to send each and everyone of us an estimate of our life expectancy. "People consistently underestimate how long they're going to live," he told our reporter, "and, under proposals to allow them access to their pension pots, they are in danger of spending their own money, ending up dependent on the state and threatening tax cuts for rich people like me. Of course if we and our Tory mates win another five years in power after May 2015 then this won't matter since most people won't live long enough to get their pension in the first place. The real danger is that Labour might win and completely derail Coalition plans to get rid of all the useless people in this country and prevent us from making it a land fit for the smug and self-satisfied to live in." Opposition to the idea has also come from the insurance industry whose spokesman told us; "These dick heads will ruin our best sales pitch if they tell people they're likely to live well into their 80's. How the hell will we be able to sell completely useless life insurance policies to young people if they know that the chances of dying before they reach 40 is practically nil? Profits will plummet and," he added darkly, "so will our donations to the Tories and Lib Dems if they carry this out."

"Work Harder For Another Bedroom" Says MP

Yet another whey-faced bone-idle MP who has never done a real day's work in his life has decided to lecture working people about having too many bedrooms. Steve Webb himself stays at his one-bedroomed flat in London while representing his Bristol constituency at Westminister which, on the face of it, seems to indicate that he is a man of principle. However, the reason he stays in such a flat is because he sold his last flat for a nice fat profit, courtesy of the tax payer, while it was the taxpayer who also picked up the bill for the stamp duty involved. What Mr.Wbb has suggested is that those who lose out because of the bedroom tax should make up for it by working harder. Of course such considerations don't figure in his own budget arrangements since stealing public money means he doesn't pay for anything in the first place. Nor does it take into consideration that two thirds of the people affected by this tax are disabled or unemployed. We asked Mr.Webb for a comment; "I don't see what being unemployed or disabled has to do with it. They could always beg in the streets. This is all about fairness. Why should I, slumming it in my half-million pound one-bedroomed luxury apartment paid for by the taxpayer, have to subsidise some cripple through the taxes that I don't pay? Think of it from my point of view. When I'm slung out of Parliament for being a two-faced LibDem at the next election I'll be forced to sell my flat, pocket the profits and then return to Bristol without the benefit of an expense account. No wonder I'm depressed and forced to glum as much money out of the system as I can before I'm rumbled. The problem with all these cripples and unemployed scum is that they don't know what hard work is. I don't either, to be honest, but, then again, I don't have to do I? We're all in this together or, as I like to think of it, I'm all right Jack."