The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Tories Set Out Their Stall For The Next General Election.

Elated by the most recent polls that they are now less popular than a dose of the clap, the Tory party has begun to set out its stall for the next general election. Building on such wildly popular policies as abusing disabled people in the streets, forcing the unemployed into slave labour, increasing the number of homeless people and murdering pensions by freezing them to death, they now propose that we should all pay just to see a doctor, that we should pay a hotel fee for staying in hospital and vat should be placed on food and children's clothing. As tax dodging by large corporations has soared to seven times the entire budget for unemployment benefits, these policies they feel will galvanise the British electorate into supporting the cause of unending austerity for everyone except the already wealthy. We asked a Tory party spokesman if they had gone collectively insane; "Insane? Us? Certainly not. We have talked to ourselves quite extensively about these policies and have come to the conclusion that they will be outstandingly popular. Ian Duncan Smith, the most popular politician this country has ever seen, has assured the party that his figures conclusively prove that we have never had more support amongst the peasantry. The electorate simply cannot wait to sacrifice their future, as well as that of their children and grandchildren, just to make sure that we remain to smug, self-satisfied bunch of posh boys that the they love so much. Such patriotism gives one a warm glow all over and brings a tear to the eye. The Blessed Margaret would be so proud!"

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