The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 22 November 2013

Serco And G4S Too Crooked Even For The Tories.

The Tory party has had to shelve its plans to privatise the prison service because the two preferred companies for the lucrative million pound deals are too bent to take them up. Both Serco and G4S - (you remember G4S, the company that failed to fulfil its contract to provide security at the Olympics but was paid out of taxpayers money anyway) - are being investigated by the Serious Fraud Office because they've been committing some pretty serious frauds. Apparently they've been charging us, the taxpayer, for tagging criminals who were dead, already in prison or never actually existed at all. Even the Tories would have a hard time explaining why they would shovel taxpayers money into the pockets of a bunch of crooks - well, more taxpayers money that is. We asked a party spokesman for the Tory view of all this; "This is absolutely scandalous," the spokesman told us. "Why, because the two companies are so corrupt?" our reporter asked. "No, because the silly arses were found out so easily. We simply cannot be seen to be dealing with such incompetents. Failing to fulfil a contract but being paid anyway is one thing, but getting caught deliberately defrauding the public purse is another. How many times must we tell these people, if you're going to be as corrupt as we want you to be then at least be clever enough to hide it from the plebs. They should have asked for out advice - we've been pulling the wool over the eyes of the electorate for over 100 years. I suppose now we'll just have to privatise something else."

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