The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Tories Plan To Disguise Themselves.

The Tories, worried by the fact that no sane person will vote for them in 2015, have come up with a cunning plan to fool us all into supporting them without realising it. They plan to set up a bogus party, perhaps called "The National Liberal Party", and hope that none of us will realise that it is just a front for the greedy and selfish, neoliberal and insane right. "It's either that," a Tory spokesman told our reporter, "or not allow northerners to vote next time around. To be honest we can't make up our mind which way to go. A bogus liberal party has its advantages since it might persuade Johnny Foreigner that Britain is still a democracy, but disenfranchising the north would be far more effective. Plus, we've enjoyed tearing away the mask since we won the last general election in a landslide and would like to continue being openly nasty. It's wonderfully liberating to be able to treat most of Britain like the bunch of feckless peasants we believe them to be. Most of us are sick of having to explain ourselves to those too thick to realise that there is no alternative to our safeguarding our wealth at their expense. But, on the other hand, we Tories do have some genuinely liberal ideas such as flogging disabled people with a birch rod, sending the unemployed to gulags in the Outer Hebrides and turning the NHS into death camps for the elderly."

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