The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 29 December 2013

Toryism Inherited From Neanderthals.

Scientists working to unravel the genome of Neanderthal man have made huge progress, proving that modern Europeans have Neanderthal DNA and tracing the origins of type two diabetes to them. More startling, however, has been their identification of the so-called "Tory gene." The gene enhances the conservatism in modern man, making some individuals resistant to change - unless its in their interests - greedy, selfish and self-serving. It is now believed that this gene was almost entirely to blame for the extinction of Neanderthal man who refused to cooperate in large groups and thought that continuing to hunt already extinct mammoths was the key to the future. We asked Professor Richard Hawkins for his opinion; "You can still see the Tory gene originating with the Neanderthal at work today. Stubbornly uncooperative, Tories refuse to believe that such a thing as wider society exists and continue to believe that Eton reflects true life in Britain. They cling to outmoded and rather ridiculous economic ideas even though these same ideas have brought the world economy to the brink of destruction. Like the Neanderthals insisting on pursuing non-existent mammoths, the Tories are still pursuing non-existent economic arguments to underpin their ridiculous and self-destructive ideology of greed and selfishness. Fortunately, like the Neanderthal, the Tories seem to be doomed to eventual extinction with the last Tory dying alone ranting about the economy being just like a household budget." We asked a Tory spokesman for the party view but were told they were all too busy trying to "progress" back to the 18th century.

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