The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Cameron Wishes Us All A Miserable Christmas And An Austere New Year.

David Cameron has taken time out from his busy schedule of torturing the poor and vulnerable and stealing orphans Christmas presents to clap himself on the back for being such a good Christian. "Jesus would be proud of me," he told reporters. "Jesus had no time for those who didn't have the money to become famous and successful like him and thought that poor people were poor because they deserved it. Any reading of the Bible demonstrates quite clearly that God is the true head of the Tory party and Jesus is his best spin doctor. I am gratified that the real Christians in this country that follow the true teachings of Christ are busily engaged lecturing the poor on their evil and indolent ways and threatening to starve their children to make them pull their socks up. Those who adhere closest to the teachings of Christ - bankers, corporate executives and tax avoiders - know what God wants from us is profit and the glories of the free market. God has no time for namby-pamby, lefty do-gooders who indulge the poor and pay them vast amounts of money so they can enjoy film star life styles on benefits. As the eleventh commandment tells us - "Thou shalt not get something for nothing - unless you're a Tory cabinet minister." I was particularly impressed by Nadhim Zahawi who selflessly spent taxpayers money heating his stables in case Jesus showed up this year even though he's not even a Christian. Still, I'm sure you'll agree with me that all religions are equally valid and that all of them are equally right. Now that is true Tory value - having your cake and eat it. I am looking forward next year to a resurgence of true Tory-Christian values with lots of martyred poor people laying down their lives to make the world safe for the greedy, selfish and self-satisfied. Don't forget the immortal words of Jesus Christ himself - "Blessed are the tax avoiders, for they shall inherit what is left of the Earth."

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