The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday, 19 May 2014

Tories Give Criminals A Helping Hand.

Eric Pickles is now officially the dimmest member of the cabinet after the successful launch of his campaign to turn street lights off in order the "save" money. When asked about the wisdom of this Mr.Pickles replied; “I love it because I am economy-minded. It’s saving a phenomenal amount of money, it’s decreased crime because burglars love ambient lighting, it’s nice to see the night sky and, as someone who lives in a main street that has had its lights cut off, I can get a good night’s sleep." Unfortunately criminals don't listen to politicians too much and crime immediately shot through the roof with an increase in burglaries, car theft, muggings and vandalism. We asked a government spokesman for their view; "We are pleased to see that the entrepreneurial spirit amongst British criminals remains undimmed by this necessary action to save public money and allow us to cut the taxes for rich people. Fortunately the rich in this country can afford state-of-the-art security so it hasn't been as much of a problem as we first feared. I'm glad to be able to report that most of the increase in crime has been restricted to the lower classes who, as we all know, don't count. We regard Mr.Pickles' policy as a stroke of genius and fully support him. It's also nice to know that the criminal classes have emulated the Tory party with such enthusiasm - stealing whatever they can get their hands on while no one is looking."

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