The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

Tories Celebrate Dead Cat Bounce.

The Tories are cock-a-hoop as the YouGov poll shows that their budget has improved their chances of winning the next election from not a chance in hell to not a chance in hell. We asked a Tory party spokesman for a reaction; "This is fantastic news. We can now definitely say that our safe Tory seats remain safe and we've turned the corner as far as defeating our greatest enemy, UKIP, is concerned. We can see now that George Osborne got the balance right between confirming the prejudices of our core support and patronising the great unwashed. We have already received reports that fights have broken out as working-class biddies attack each other with their clogs to get into bingo halls and competitions have already begun to see which beer-swilling pleb will be the first to sink 100 pints and save himself £1 in tax. Meanwhile the blue rinse set and "angry from Tunbridge Wells" have found great comfort in the idea that the working class will be either too stupid or too drunk to vote in the next general election. What George should do now is hand out free flat caps to northerners and lower the price of bird seed so they can feed their pigeons at a much lower cost. Once they've been distracted by these fabulously generous goodies then we can get back to what we do best - giving ourselves a nice tax cut, closing hospitals and screwing up the education system. Obviously no one with a conscience or a sense of self-preservation will vote for us next time around, but by then we will have our hands on most of this country's assets and our offshore accounts will be stuffed to the gills. Then its just a matter of waiting for a decade or two until a new generation with no experience of us in government start voting and we'll dust off the "caring Tory party" rubbish again and Bob's your uncle!"

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