The Tory Record.

David Cameron's insanity in Europe will now pass into history and legend. The Tory right are preening themselves, clapping each other on the back and directing smug self-satisfied smiles at their Coalition partners. So how has right-wing Tory policy turned out in the past? They were against both the American and French revolutions, dragged their feet when it came to abolishing the slave trade, they supported the Corn Laws which threatened Britain with mass starvation, supported civil war in Ireland, invented appeaement to facism during the 1930's, resisted the independence of India and inflicted the inequalities and sheer insanity of monetarism on Britain in the 1980's. Not too good so far. Now they've had their way in Europe and what, exactly have they won? Britain is now isolated, ignored and vilified. Cameron got none of the things he said he wanted and will have no further say in what is finally decided. The national interest? Tories wouldn't recognise it if it bit them in the arse.

Cameron Stands Up To Johnnie Foreigner (And Lies Down For The Banks)

"We shall fight on the trading floor, we shall fight on the high street, we shall fight in the banks and in the insurance brokers, we shall fight in the estate agencies; we shall never surrender, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by Virgin Money, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, Goldman Sachs, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of financial transactions."

Cameron Pretends To Use Veto.

As 23 countries sign up to a new European accord Cameron sulks and tells everyone that he's "effectively wielded the veto." We asked a European spokesperson for their view; "It makes you laugh doesn't it? Twenty-three countries out of twenty-seven agree to something and the BBC call that a failure. Meanwhile David Cameron is left virtually isolated while we all go ahead and the BBC calls that a victory for Britain and an effective use of the British veto. What, exactly, has he vetoed? The plan will go ahead whether Cameron takes his bat and ball home or not. As usual this is nothing more than a victory for the Tory anti-European wing." We asked Boris Johnson what he meant when he said that Cameron had "played a blinder;"Well David has gone to Europe, been completely isolated, failed to get what he wants, failed to "protect" the City of London and left everyone else to decide our future. This is a victory for the Tory policy of being completely incoherent on Europe. Now we can sit back and watch, with growing satisfaction, as Europe forges ahead and completely ignores us - marvelous!"

Europe Tells Cameron Not To Bother.

As predicted in yesterday's edition of "The News In Shorts," both Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy has advised David Cameron not to bother with his "get tought with Europe" farce. While the German Chancellor advised some members (i.e. Britain) to stop being selfish and greedy, Nicolas Sarkozy warned that anyone who doesn't agree with any new deal amongst the Eurozone will be sidelined and ignored. In Britain Downing Street has spent all day backpedaling like crazy, Cameron warning that now is not the time to ask for a repatriation of powers from Europe and airily declaring that a new treaty in Europe will not be new or a treaty and that, therefore, no referendum will ever be needed on Europe. His own party, however, seem to have other ideas. Oh well, nice knowing you Dave - next!

Cameron Moves To Defend Unregulated Finance Market.

David Cameron has stated today that he will not sign a new European Treaty if it doesn't safeguard the greedy and insane financiers in London. We asked a European Commission spokesperson what this might mean; "We knew that the Prime Minister would refuse to sign a new treaty because to do so would trigger a referendum in Britain. Not only would he lose such a referendum, he would split the Tories from top to bottom. Ergo he can't sign it. The answer, of course, is that we won't ask him to sign it. If he and Britain don't like it they can take a hike. As for defending the London financial market from regulation that's not in his gift. If we want to make it impossible for them to operate in Europe without safeguards we can and will. The only people who still trust those greedy economic morons are the Tories. He tries to make it sound as if he's defending Britain's interests but he's only defending the idiots who started this unholy mess in the first place. If I were British, and thank God I'm not, I'd want to see that dope out of work. Still that's your problem - good luck with that."