The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 29 June 2014

Where Are All The Working Class Tories?

After his outstanding triumphs with regard to Andy Coulson and Jean-Claude Juncker, David Cameron has decided that he now has to reach out to the peasantry. What is needed, he reasoned, is to show that the Tories are not just a bunch of toffs but are also firmly grounded in the working class. What is needed is for working class Tory MP's to step forward and show the peasants that they too can be Tories if they're not careful. Just for good measure the initiative was to be launched by the ex-gnome manufacturer John Major, son of a working class circus performer. It was a good plan - simple, effective and graphic. Unfortunately, after an exhaustive search in the House of Commons, the Tories could only produce 14 out of 305 MP's who can be described even loosely as "working class". "I can't understand it given our huge following in the North of England where we keep our working class," a Tory spokesman told our reporter. "The electorate just don't seem to understand that many of our MP's did not come from independently wealthy backgrounds, even if they are now all as rich as Croesus. Many of them are engaged in trade and, though I for one wouldn't allow them into my home through the front door - that's what the tradesman entrance is for - I am proud that they are members of the Tory party. I think what we need is a recruitment drive amongst the peasantry. Inducements could be offered such as giving them a nice pair of used army boots to replace their worn out clogs or permission to attack useless cripples, the unemployed and foreigners in the street. We need to reach out to the hard-working people of this country and persuade them that working even harder for a whole lot less is their patriotic duty. Then we can get out of the EU, cut my tax bill and go on to win the World Cup in 2018."

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