The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 28 June 2014

Cameron Isolates Europe.

David Cameron is celebrating his victory over Europe tonight as his party congratulate themselves on isolating the rest of the continent with the exception of Hungary. "We have made a principled stand against European federalism," a Tory spokesman told our reporter. "If it wasn't for those bloody Hungarians our victory over Johnnie Foreigner would have been complete. Trust some dago southern European country to steal our thunder and spoil our Dunkirk moment." As was clear from the beginning, Jean-Claude Juncker will now become President of the European Commission while Cameron's refusal to recognise this and negotiate a deal means that he has managed to get absolutely nothing in return for Britain. While Cameron has been reduced to making dark threats about the "waifer-thin support for the EU in Britain" the EU has totally ignored his amateurish attempts to sway the vote and is quite happy to watch him flounce off yet again muttering about dignity, principle and the nobility of defeat. The truth is that Cameron is a hopeless negotiator while his claim that he can "reform" the EU in order to fend off a referendum looks less and less likely. His only hope now is that he will lose the next general election and then be able to accuse a Labour government of betraying Britain's interests. His worst nightmare is that he'll win and then have to face his own back benchers baying for his blood when he comes up with yet another paper thin excuse for not giving them the referendum they want. His problem then will be trying to reconcile the loony right of his party with the fat cats who bankroll the Tories and support a federalist Europe if it forces down wages and offers fewer barriers to the free movement of their money from one offshore bank account to another. This is the fault-line in the Tory party as they struggle with their hatred of foreigners and their desire to avoid paying tax on their profits. If only they could come up with a perfect blend of their greed and stupidity, a way of maximising profits, reducing their tax bill and keeping the riff-raff out all would be well. Shame.

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