Changes to Planning Laws.

Eric Pickles, Minister for Local Mismanagement, has warned the National Trust and other obscure pressure groups that changes to planning laws will go through no matter what the opposition. "These people should not underestimate our determination over this," Eric Pickles said, shaking his jowels in anger. "These changes are absolutely crucial if we're to solve the problems of expanding the buy-to-rent sector in this country and mass unemployment in Poland. We have to provide the necessary overpriced accomodation for foreign workers if the economy is to recover. We have to fill those job opportunities that English people can't fill because they can't afford to. There will be no u-turns on this one and that's final." In a later development George Osbourne, in charge of Britain's economic mismanagement, told the BBC. "Who the hell are these interferring busybodies? Who appointed them to safeguard the countryside? We will not tolerate any more of this anti-democratic behaviour by an unelected Quango."

Police Should Wear Uniforms When Off Duty.

The right wing thinktank Policy Exchange has suggested today that police officers should be made to wear their uniforms whether they're working or not. "If they did so," a spokesperson said, "that would be the equivalent of having an extra 1200 policemen in London alone. If we can persuade kissograms to do the same we could double this figure. We're thinking, if that's the right word for what we do, of extending this into other service areas like nursing, firefighters and the armed forces. We are confident that if this were done there would be fewer sick people, fewer fires and less terrorist activity in the country." Prime Minister David Cameron and MP for Tuscany, has thrown his weight behind the idea. "What a bloody good idea - we could get rid of a lot more police officers if they'll cooperate with this. The government is also considering filling the House of Commons with unemployed people dressed in suits to make it look as if MP's actually do some work. Of course they won't be paid - they'll have to do it for their benefits - so it won't even cost anything!" William Hague was also enthusiastic. "If we can get Afghans to dress up as British soldiers we might persuade them to occupy themselves." Senior Police Officers were less impressed, however. "I'm not too keen about wearing my uniform when I play golf," the head of the Met told our reporter. "My girfriend has a kinky nurses uniform but I wouldn't want her wearing it in the street."