The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 25 December 2015

Dave's Christmas Hypocrisy.

David Cameron took some time off from his official duties making Britain as miserable as possible to lecture us all yet again on what he calls "Christian Values." "Throughout the United Kingdom" he wrote, "some will spend the festive period ill, homeless or alone." What he forgot to add was that he was absolutely dedicated to making sure that the ill, homeless and lonely would also be a whole lot poorer next year. While the latest figures show that the much-vaunted growth for the last six months have been largely fictional, borrowing is much higher than the Tories would have us believe and the national debt is ballooning at an unprecedented rate, the Tories have made sure that it is the poor, the sick and the disabled who will pick up the tab. Meanwhile Dave has spent the last week stroking the slightly bruised ego of Rupert Murdoch and assuring him that hacking a murdered girl's mobile is no reason to think himself un-Christian. "The message of Christianity is clear," Dave would have written if he was being uncharacteristically truthful. "God only likes rich people, which is why they are rich, and has nothing but contempt for the poor, which is why they are poor. It is true that the poor will inherit the Earth, but only after we've finished plundering it, while the meek might be blessed in a Biblical sense but, if I have anything to do with it, they will be well and truly shafted. The Welfare State needs to be replaced by the more up-to-date 19th century model of charity given to those poor people who know how beg properly. It's time for us to forget about poor people having rights, especially those ridiculous human rights, and to return to the great British and thoroughly Christian principle of throwing pennies to them and then sitting back to watch them scrabble about in the dirt. I urge all poor people to embrace Christianity as I have done because, if I have anything to do with it, many of you will be meeting your maker before next Christmas. Keep warm this winter so my mates who own the privatised utilities can remain wealthy, be productive so I can tax you and give my rich mates more tax loopholes, be generous to bankers (not that I'll give you any choice) and, most important of all, vote Tory in order to punish those feckless welfare scroungers who live next door. Oh, and keep reading the "Daily Mail" so my pal Rupert can feel that he's still important."

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