The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 24 September 2015

Dementia Epidemic Threatens World Economy.

The epidemic of dementia amongst leading businessmen has now spread to the German car industry it has been reported today. Seven years after a similar outbreak in the financial sector was discovered and a mere two years after the shock outbreak in the Murdoch media empire, the plague that has already turned many of the world's politicians into zombies now seems to be completely out of control. We asked a leading health expert for his analysis; "A 30 second memory has plagued politicians since time immemorial," he told our reporter, "but the spread of this debilitating condition to the business world is now threatening the whole of industry. The number of chief executives who have absolutely no idea what anyone else in their company is doing is very worrying. Many seem to have no idea what their job actually is, have absolutely no idea what they were doing as recently as yesterday and can barely recognise people they work with every day. We now suspect that the agent of infection must be dirty money which politicians and captains of industry compulsively stuff into their offshore bank accounts without washing their hands properly. This latest outbreak at Volkswagen is particularly worrying since the Germans are usually very fastidious about washing their hands after doing something particularly underhand. The extent of the damage to executive brains can be judged by Martin Winterkorn's reaction to the latest scandal affecting Volkswagen; "I am not aware of any wrongdoing on my part." Essentially he admits that he has been doing something wrong but insists that he remains completely unaware of it. This is striking similar to Rebekah Brooks' condition which prevented her from knowing what her staff were doing and to that suffered by Iain Duncan Smith who remains blissfully unaware of the distress that taking all means of support from the sick, disabled and unemployed causes. Perhaps a more striking case is that of Sepp Blatter whose almost total amnesia is truly terrifying. I must emphasise, however, that it is probably misleading to label all these instances as dementia - "wilful amnesia with malice aforethought" is perhaps a better description though the much simpler term "corruption" is probably more accurate."

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