The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 1 March 2015

Cameron: Why Children Should Be Taught To Be Greedy And Selfish.

David Cameron has been outlining his thoughts about the proper way to bring up children to the Institute of Directors Magazine. Children, he told the magazine, should be taught "how to turn a profit" in order to combat the evil "job killing regulations" coming out of the European Community. "The arts and science are as nothing when compared to making money," Cameron told our reporter when we quizzed him about his interview. "We must instill in our children a love of money above all else and rid them of any fanciful ideas that they might become astronauts, pop stars, painters, sculptors, novelists, scientists or, God forbid, charity workers. Its time we turned our children's eyes away from the stars and back to the gutter where I and my rich mates live. As for protecting the rights of ordinary working people, or the peasants as I like to call them, why bother? Anyone whose interests are not solely concerned with making money doesn't deserve any protection. Bankers, on the other hand, need all the protection we can give them whether its actually legal or not. Where would we all be if bankers had to answer for their criminal activity? The Tory party wouldn't exist for a start and that, as I'm sure you'll agree, would be a tragedy. Greed and selfishness are the core values we need to instill in children before they even start thinking about such rubbish as the meaning of life, what constitutes good and evil and what the future might hold. Once greed and selfishness have taken hold such questions become irrelevant. What is the meaning of life? Making a profit, obviously. What is good and evil? Good is being richer than your neighbour and evil is missing an opportunity to turn a decent profit out of someone else's misery. What does the future hold? More and more money - what else? The real strength of Tory philosophy is its "Can do - if I can get away with it" attitude and in its complete disregard for thinking instead of simply grabbing what you can. As Descartes once said; "I'm greedy, selfish and don't think too much, therefore I am."

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