The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 11 January 2015

Tories Unveil Plan To Solve NHS Problems.

Circle Holdings, the company that was the first to run an NHS hospital as a private concern, wants to withdraw from its contract because it is "no longer viable under current terms". In other words they cannot make a profit out of other people's misery unless they can get their sticky fingers on yet more tax payers money. The problem, Circle told the press, is that there are too many sick people wasting resources at Hinchingbrooke hospital. If only they could get rid of all the sick people, sack all the doctors and nurses and flog off all the medical equipment then tax payers money could go where it belongs - into the offshore bank accounts of Circle executives. The hospital itself has been put into special measures after it was revealed that the A&E department was being run so badly that patients were being put in danger while staffing levels were completely inadequate. Shocked by their revelations about the complete failure of a private company to run an NHS hospital David Cameron immediately swung into action and declared that, if he wins the next general election, then he will make it more difficult for public sector workers to go on strike. "The last thing this country needs," he told our reporter, "is doctors and nurses going on strike in protest at my complete mishandling of the NHS. Publicising the fact that private companies are not fit to run hospitals and are efficient only in diverting tax payers money into their own pockets is not in the national interest. People simply don't need to know this. It only makes them fearful and distrustful and I intend to come down heavily on anyone who spreads such despondency. What I want to see are patients cheerfully laying down their lives in dirty, underfunded and under-staffed A&E departments and declaring that is their patriotic duty to die for the greater good of the Tory party, the rich, the greedy and the over-privileged. Meanwhile doctors and nurses should get on with their job - providing profits for me and my rich mates to skim off the top. What else are doctors and nurses for?" Meanwhile the British public have remained completely apathetic since most of them don't work in the public sector and are content to work for starvation wages just as long as the unions are kept in check. "We don't want a return to the Winter of Discontent," one member of the public told our reporter. "I remember it only too well. There was garbage in the streets, pot holes appeared all over the roads and you couldn't get to see a doctor or a nurse. Ahhh - hang on a minute......"

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