Andrew Lansley, Minister for Flogging Off The NHS, has announced that the government will issue cold snap warnings this winter. "We will warn people, especially the aged and infirm when the weather turns cold," he told our reporter. "We're hoping that the warnings will frighten people enough to make sure the energy companies benefit from the higher prices they're charging. Christmas is a particularly difficult time for energy companies, what with all those people turning down the gas so they can afford a tin of baked beans for the festive season, and all those Christmas parties the companies have to throw with champagne, caviar and Cuban cigars to pay for. We're also hoping that the warnings will prepare the sheep, or customers as they're often called, to be fleeced without too much protest while they sacrifice their pitiable savings for the good of the country and the energy companies. Happy freeze-up everyone!"
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