David Cameron, who likes to spend most of the summer on holiday, has announced that he will stamp out Britain's "sicknote culture" and long-term illness. "People in this country are bone idle," he told our reporter, "and we in the Tory party are determined to reverse this. I came to this conclusion last summer on a beach in Italy while avoiding responsibility for the riots and jotted it down in my notebook - look. That proves that, even though I spend half my life on a beach, I'm always thinking about the country and how utterly rotten it is. I have asked my cabinet colleagues to think up partucularly vicious ways to go about this and I must commend Ian Duncan Smith for his ability to ignore all evidence that contradicts my ridiculous notion. People in Britain have spent too much time catching diseases such as flu and the like and it must be stamped out. Far better that these people should drag themselves to work in order to infect others who can then, in turn, be utterly miserable. I am hoping that this policy will help to spread particularly virulent infections that might thin out the population a bit. Of course this will not apply to MP's, who can have as much time as they want for whatever reason they like, because they are far too important to be put at risk - especially me. I've decided to appoint panels to determine who is sick and who is not because they have the advantage of having no medical knowledge whatsoever. Doctors need no apply."
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