Theresa May, rumoured to be the love child of Margaret Thatcher and an unnamed South American dictator, has apparently been telling lies to anyone who will listen to save her own skin. Brodie Clarke, who ordered a relaxation of border checks, was acting on her secret orders after all. We asked Ms.May for her comments; "OK, I admit it - I did issue orders to relax border controls because I felt like it. But so what? We might have inadvertently allowed into the country criminals, illegal immigrants and terrorists, but at least the duty free shops made more money and that's the main thing. Anyway I needed a suitable excuse for allowing Brodie to retire so he can get his £60,000 pension, a lump sum of £190,000 and an undisclosed amount of severance pay all at the same time. Brodie has provided a valuable service to this country over the years acting as a yardstick for how incompetent a civil servant can be before he has to be sacked. I hasten to add that not having enough enough staff to do the job has no connection with the staff shortages I caused. I am a genius and nothing I do could possibly be wrong."
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